The annual Ego Parade is happening this week-end, Sunday night, as opposed to the daily Ego Parade slapped all over news, every talk-show going, ad nausea. Academy Awards –used to be terrific fun, everybody snuggled in for the evening, armed with home-made pizza and popcorn, watching intelligent, witty, sophisticated, genuinely beautiful, talented elegant people.
Great Billy Wilder…superb Bette Davis (once a whacky neighbor)…Cary Grant…even standing still…Marlon Brando –sent an American Indian, Sasheen Littlefeather, in his place –to refuse his Oscar, in a protest…Barbra Streisand “Hello Gorgeous”…David Niven –with a streaker who suddenly became background –and Niven Right Now * ad libbed on the man’s ‘shortcomings’ –better quicker than any writer could ever hope to equal…Audrey Hepburn…Alfred Hitchcock, wicked sense of humor –had a formal dinner party once that grabbed everyone’s imagination the next morning, all over town: each course –blue!…riveting Ingrid Bergman….
Now…shaved bald…branded with graffitti…without underwear –on/off camera…larded with self-slurs…. But depth –quality –originality –elevation –inspiration?
Now: sellebrities, those who, deeply under-worked, obscenely over-paid, prance in front of cameras—and their ‘mouth-piece’ crew—have made Giant Mistakes. Bad Enough, only a fraction of them can act-direct-write-produce quality/have anything to convey, but on Oscar Night: turn themselves into walking billboards.
How petty –cheap –avaricious is Hollywood? Corporations who wanted to use ‘names’ –for free, to get their products mentioned –for free, gave away the products. ‘Names’ like free stuff –the logic always escapes me. They can AFFORD to pay, WHY don’t they pay? Well, everybody was happy as babies in playpens till federal government wanted a cut. When the ‘Gimme Bags’ deemed taxable income: the ‘names’ did not want to pay. The corporations using the ‘names’ did not want to pay. Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences did not want to pay. Solution? ‘Names’ –all of whom famous enough to be at/on the Academy Awards, therefore worth mega-bucks, decided to refuse to accept the ‘Gifts’ rather than pay tax…. That is Serious Cheap.
THINGS I DON’T WANT TO SEE
Jewelers have pulled off some kind of coup, past years, “offering” to drape the seriously under-nourished walking racks in diamonds –then getting ‘hangers’ to “mention” where the rocks came from –FREE product “placement” –FREE advertising. But: NO WAY to KNOW which polished carbon hunks are “okay” –AKA: “conflict-free” and which are not. –How many children, women had their arms, hands chopped off, by sub-humans, to send a message/control those who work the mines? Absolutely NO WAY to know. ANY person in the diamond trade can/will claim ‘there is a system/process to know’ which carbon hunks aren’t tainted –Bunk. Nobody should be wearing ANY hunks of polished carbon and Any who do it anyway: movies in which they appear should be avoided –until they STOP wearing such trash. The Desperate to Adorn themselves: can carry/wear tiny bouquet of flowers.
I don’t give a rodent’s rear
WHO has the best connections to get a red-carpet prancer to wear their obscenely over-priced clothes? WHAT are these people thinking??? WHY the hell would they even Bother, parting their lips to say Who made the clothes they’re wearing? –Any –actually imagine any viewer is going to ring up the maker of those clothes –order a $10,000 frock, FedEx??? Can’t they get a grip? Well it is a good deal, for some. The clothing-maker gets publicity –for free, advertising –for free. The ‘hanger’ gets free clothes. What does the viewer get? Advertised at –without a speed button. Why doesn’t the government get a cut of that? –At least that way these live ads would be contributing to the national debt pothole.
Imagine: Grace Kelly –Garbo asked such an inane question –answering it??? Can you picture it –a bubblebrain who dared to ask –Katherine Hepburn who dressed her? It is Utterly demeaning vulgar put-down of the wearer to ask ‘who made your clothes,’ stupid to viewer. So Heads UP: if asked Don’t answer. –That goes for shoes, tie, bag, underwear, etc. Get some self respect. Get some (pretend) class, get some silence.
Want to wear tails, white tie to the Oscars? Yippee.
Want to wear low-cut, backless, sleeveless, slit up to here dress –to look “sexy” –“glamorous”? Get a better understanding of: Less is More.
I SO DON’T CARE: who combed your hair; gave you a massage; painted your toenails. Do You wanna know who did mine?
Since SOOO Many Don’t Know
Correct Way to Applaud: Hold one hand still, clap with the other. Any other way: reveals you were raised in the hills, or down a bog, off yonder; utterly without class.
Correct Way to Sit: Cross ankles, NOT way NOT legs. Not only is crossing one’s legs vulgar, it is harmful, cuts off circulation, causes varicose veins. In old movies: a woman who crossed her legs sent a message. It isn’t one to copy, in the real world –Unless: you Want people to think of you as trash.
What Nobody Wants to Hear
Anybody who publicly thanks: lawyer-agent-publicist-manager-groomer of any sort. Do it anyway: do whatever necessary to get Leticia Baldridge’s phone number –then beg her to take your money.
Get nervous/Start Flapping Your Gums Remember:
~Nobody has ever, will ever do any thing of any sort in front of a camera that is worth $20 million dollars –EVER
~Academy Awards Night ISN’T Nobel Awards or Pulitzer Prize night.
~You did not educate a child –room-ful, eight hours a day –for months, convince any country-government-ruler to stop hating, killing; end any war, put down any nuclear technology, teach anyone to read or to write. You just said what somebody else wrote, in front of some lights and a camera.
Considering…vast amount of perfectly good raw film that was wasted last year, who they hired to “host” this year—what were they thinking, sheesh, WHY isn’t Jon Stewart hosting???—and Stupid ‘list of credits’ some female voice-over reels off until a winner gets to the stage, sheesh, Academy Awards Night looks to have ALL the ingredients of: Huge Bore this year. Yanked, No doubt, even lower by some fussy airbubble “analyzing” clothing, on local TV stations. –What are those people thinking??? Even ten minutes of Roger Ebert would elevate…speedy recovery, Mr. Ebert, well & truly missed.
All those people who will be parading their egos –including the “famous” one who insists on being introduced by: Amount of Money movies he’s been in have grossed…gross –any made a “Gone With the Wind” –a “To Kill a Mocking Bird” –a “Ben Hur” last year? –Even understand “Chinatown” –without page-by-page translation…. Peter O’Toole, Joanne Woodward, Paul Newman, Elizabeth Taylor should work non-stop, teaching by example –before the whole train-wreck of bores collapses –or crashes into the rest of us, in drug-hate speech-drunk driving heap. Don’t they know: children are watching them…the next generation….
Ah well, even if the Academy Awards, and dumb local TV mental midgets, serve up lox –turkey –stinky eggs, the pizza will be superb….
Personal Note: Maybe, maybe you’re entitled to know: my step-uncle, among other things, conducted the Academy Awards orchestra, for twenty years. My step-father headed a studio, for nearly two decades. Yup, I heard stories that curled my hair. –Eventually, I quit eating dinner at the usual time, ate alone, I couldn’t stand hearing those stories. If you are someone who admires people in movies: Believe It when I say YOU are far more interesting, special, balanced than anyone on film.
tag: Academy Awards, Oscar Night 2007, tainted diamonds, classless Oscars, flapping awards, Los Angeles Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, Hollywood, vulgar movies